Breakdown
by Annakolo
Summary: Castle Halloween Bash 2016 Entry! Season 8 separation AU. Kate hadn't felt this lonely in a while. She also hadn't let a case get to her this much in a while. Having pushed everyone that she loves away, who will keep Kate from falling down the rabbit hole this time around?


**Hey guys! This is my first Castle fan-fiction (yay!) and I'm super psyched to share it with y'all! This story will be a multi-chapter entry for the 2016 Castle Halloween Bash with a semi-angsty/romantic feel. It takes place in the beginning of Season 8 as a Separation AU.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Castle except for the crazy thoughts that run through my head, but by-golly I wish I did!**

Usually, the obnoxious, idling traffic below helped her to fall asleep. The honking horns, the blaring sirens, the pissed-off pedestrians: they were a lullaby to her senses. But not tonight.

The solitude of her rented apartment after taking a warm bath was supposed to be a comfort to her and the cocoon of her worn cotton sheets was supposed to feel safe and sound. But not tonight.

Tonight, she tossed and turned and she flipped and flopped. She sighed and huffed and groaned and growled. The silent tears rolled down her face, glistening in their tracks. Tonight was worse than last night and all of the other nights before.

Kate Beckett was lonely. She hadn't felt this lonely since that detective told her that her mother had been murdered. Or when she walked into the family home to find her dad falling off of the couch in a drunken state. Or when she locked herself in her father's cabin to lick her physical and emotional wounds after the shot she took to the heart.

Tonight, Kate Beckett was lonely and she was digging herself a hole too deep for her to claw her way out on her own.

The ring hanging on a chain around her neck, the life that she lost, felt tons heavier than it had before. The watch adorning her wrist, the life that she saved, couldn't keep her afloat this time. The band she spun on her left hand finger, the life she took for better and worse, threatened to slip right off of her knuckle and through her fingertips.

The three lives that meant everything to her were gone and couldn't help her now. The first, she lost to a gun. The second, she lost to the bottle. The third, she lost by warding him away with her own words.

For years, she's let the weight of these pieces anchor her to the ground during the day -to keep her from floating off into the darkness- and at night she'd free herself of them and let herself drift through her dreams. But tonight, they stayed on. Tonight she let them be a constant reminder of how she failed at saving the ones she loved so that her dreams could not lead her astray from the truth of her loneliness.

Emotions clouded her mind and swarmed her heart like never before as she chased bunnies down her own personal rabbit hole. Finally, after too much thinking and too many glasses of wine, Kate let sleep take her.

xxx

"Good morning, Dr. Parish," Kate greeted with as much of a smile that she could muster as she ducked under the police tape. The slight lift of her lips alone made her head pound and heart ache. "What've we got?"

Lanie wasn't dumb. Heck, she was a doctor! You don't get that title for being stupid. She could see right through the façade Kate was wearing. She could see through the barrier of concealer patted over the dark circles ornamenting Kate's eyes and the fake smile plastered to her lips. She knew Kate's tells, but she knew better than to mention them because Kate would talk when she was ready. Hopefully. So, she carried on with the safe topic at hand: murder.

"This here is Mark MacDonald, age 35. He looks to be in good condition except for the slug to the aortic cavity, but it'll be much easier to get a good look once we get his…makeup off." Lanie paused at the last part of her spiel as a smile quirked on her lips knowingly. "This murder may be just the thing to pull Kate out of her funk," Lanie thought. Beckett sure was known to love the weird ones!

Kate hadn't yet made it to the stretcher, but she already had an idea of what was hiding under that sheet just from the multicolored fuzz that was peeking from the top. As Lanie pulled the covers back on the gurney, Kate's stomach felt as if it had been dropped from the top of the empire state building and her mind went fuzzy, defaulting to choppy, unprecise thoughts.

A clown had been shot dead. A clown had been shot dead in Central Park. A man dressed as a clown had been shot dead in Central Park.

Her mind continued to add minute details one at a time to the thoughts until she worked herself off of the cliff of anxiety that she had been ready to jump off of. A man, Mark MacDonald-age 35, business man-, dressed as a clown had been shot dead by a 9mm bullet at around midnight the night before.

Voices penetrated her thoughts when Ryan and Espo made their way under the yellow police tape, arguing over who knows what, and for the first time in the past few days, she didn't feel completely alone in this world.

"Good mornin' Cap! I heard that it's a Beckett flavored case this morning," Ryan stated, oblivious to the emotional turmoil raging inside of Kate. She turned around to face the boys, her lips holding a smile that was a little less forced. She could make it through today, fears and all, because she was surrounded by people who care. She could even make it through tonight, knowing that tomorrow she'd be able to come back to work.

"It's definitely Beckett flavored, but it's got some Ryspostio pizazz as well" she backed, throwing a smile over her shoulder as she walked back to her cruiser. Her heart warmed upon hearing the good-hearted grumbles from the boys.

Kate Beckett wasn't lonely, sometimes she just felt that way.

 **That's it for chapter one! I apologize for how short it is, but it seemed like a good place to stop. I appreciate all reviews, so review away! I hope to have another update out really really soon!**

 **xoxo- Anna :)**


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